First I Ask the Friends, Then I Do the Parenting (Part 2)

As I said in my last post, I got so much great advice and feedback from friends that I had to write a series. This is one of my personal favorites, particularly because the story is so epically terrifying, and because it happened to family. I can't honestly put it into better words than this so I've decided to let Cousin J tell the story in his own words:

Let me tell you the story of why I now have a home phone, a.k.a. the scariest 30 minutes of my life. As with all stories of this nature it started out like any other evening. We were all getting ready for a low key family dinner date - well that's not really true - some of us were getting ready and a certain naked 3 year old was practicing his jumping on the bed and his “look dad, look dad, look dad” routine. Anyone who has the pleasure of living with these micro terrorists knows how this ends - Crash!

I turned around and my son was piled up in the bottom of his brother’s playpen and let out a pretty good scream. Nothing to worry about at this point; for anyone with kids this is still pretty much business as usual. At this age they have only a few jobs and one of the main ones is pushing everything to failure. That could be testing gravity with one of your prized pre-children artifacts, or maybe just your will to live. In this case it was his ability to do a backflip off a playpen railing. Anyway, things went quiet. P.S. now is the time to worry.

My wife went to pick him up and do the usual “there, there, you're alright,” but he was not alright. She immediately signalled to me something was wrong. I turned around to see his limp and lifeless body in her arms and he was peeing on the floor; now I'm no medical expert, but that is never good. I jumped right to action, and when I say that, I mean I yelled out “HE IS NOT OK!” just in case that wasn’t clear to her already. We put him down on the bed and I told her to call 911 and get some help ASAP.

Now at this point, I should point out I have taken first aid a bunch of times. I forgot everything. Right then my wife came flying back into the room, “where is your #$#@$ phone!?!?”. Pretty sure I didn’t even respond to her, I could only think “this is how my son dies.” After I processed the fact I was going to have to do something here, I checked to see if he was breathing. This all seemed like it took 5 minutes to me, but in reality it was probably like 15 seconds.

Nope I don't hear anything and his chest isn’t moving. “We need help right now!” I finally responded to her. I could now hear her telling someone the whole story. They stopped her right away and she spit out our address. OK now what? I was just positioning his head for what would be a parent's worst nightmare. Head tilt, chin lift, pinch the nose and with the greatest relief his beautiful brown eyes opened up. I’m not religious, but at this point I thanked all the gods I could think of.

He was pretty out of it, but was making some noises. I started trying to talk to him and let my wife know “he's ALIVE!”, but he was barely there and he hadn't moved a muscle. I guess I was expecting him to cry out and jump up like in the movies. I immediately thought, "oh no he broke his neck or something". Can you feel this? No action. Can you hear me? Still nothing. I kept trying to get his attention and relay what was happening to my wife who was around the corner because it’s the only place she could get a signal on her phone.

I started to see some movement with my boy’s body and he was saying some words that made no sense. Then the ambulance arrived - I can’t describe the relief you feel when two professionals come on the scene - everything was under control now.

Pretty scary right? Ya, the feelings still go through my mind when I see him on top of a counter or bouncing around the furniture. He was totally fine by the time he finished his ambulance ride to the Stollery Hospital; sadly I don’t think they get to see many kids bouncing off the walls around there (shout out to those beautiful people, please donate if you can). They eventually got him to sit still for a few minutes and gave him a checkout and explained what they suspect happened. We even made it to that dinner date.

So what did I learn about parenting from this experience? Have a reliable phone in the house, and get first aid training. I might have thought I forgot everything in the moment, but who knows how I would have reacted without that basic training. Also, you can get home phone service from a bunch of places and it's practically free these days through your internet connection. You could be faced with an emergency at any moment and you can be sure that’s when your phone will be dead or the signal is just ten feet too far away.

And to the non or new parents thinking “shouldn’t the lesson be to keep your kid off the playpen railing?!” I would say - Good Luck!

First I Ask the Friends, Then I Do the Parenting (Part 1)

I always knew I wanted to have kids at some point in my life. I remember when my best friend B told me he was going to be a dad. At the time we were pretty young, but I turned to him and congratulated him. He told me I was the first person to say that to him, and it wasn't for lack of people that he'd told. Everyone's response to his news wasn't entirely unexpected - at that age, becoming grandparents was our parents' worst nightmare. However, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. Between then and now he's become an example of the kind of father I look forward to being: caring, understanding, careful with his words, and unbelievably patient. The result has been two of the most polite, well-behaved, and interesting kids I have ever met.

Kay's new bump

Subsequent to his children being born, I watched as each one of my high school friends gradually had children of their own. As I'm one of the last of those friends to have kids, this puts me in an outstanding position to learn from the best, a notion that seemed like it would make a really good blog post. So I asked a number of those friends to help with my research by giving me their best parenting advice, tips, and tricks. What I was honestly hoping to get from this was enough hilarious material in the form of stories and cheeky advice to write an entertaining blog post, but what I actually got was effective, moving, and helpful recommendations with some seriously thick substance, so substantial that I've decided to make it a series instead of just one post.

For example, my friend B, the first of my friends to have children, explained his parenting philosophy to me - "show them love" he said. Something that seems really obvious and simple, right? Not necessarily for everyone. What he means by that isn't that you should tell them how much you love them all the time, or shower them with gifts. What he means is to lead by example - "be a good person, do something nice for a stranger, listen when they talk, treat them like real people - not just kids that don't understand what you're talking about", lessons I'm sure we can agree we should all live by, and something that I think really hits home about what it means to be a parent. Prior to parenthood, you can pretty much do what you want with your own life and (for the most part) you don't have to worry how that will affect other people. But as a parent, every single thing you do affects the kind of person that child is going to be.

B added to his advice by saying "show them you love their mom, instil in them the want and need be a good person". He believes, "if you do everything with love in your heart; your kids (or anybody's kids) will turn out to be really great people". This will be really easy for me. As you all know, my wife is my pride and joy, the person who supports me, and the person that gives me purpose. How I treat my wife is how my children will learn to treat the people they care about. I read an article recently about a Harvard study that was done over the course of almost 80 years - which came to the conclusion that the key to our happiness in life is the relationships we have with others. To me, this means that if I show my children the love I have for their mother, I can teach them how to treat other people properly, how to love, and how to build meaningful and healthy relationships.

If this study is correct, I can then have a profound impact on their happiness well into adulthood. The secret to great children, it seems, is also the secret to great adults - which I think is what B was getting at when he added "Don't be afraid to discipline your children. That is something that is missing these days, and look how many asshole little kids there are out there."

Hush Those Puppies

Kay is 30 weeks into her pregnancy and routine has pretty much taken over. We still have no idea what we’re having, although we do have our suspicions. We’ve finally got the names picked out for either a boy or a girl, something we’ve decided to keep to ourselves for now. I think we lost so much of the surprise in the beginning, through all the procedures, that we’re really trying to make up for it on the back end, and honestly it’s working. We are so excited to find out what we’re having, so excited to meet our little boy or little girl, and we can hardly contain it!

Until then, though, my life will be consumed with making sure my pup doesn’t kill himself (that’s another story), and giving my tired wife the most epic of all foot rubs. Through trial and error, literal sweat and tears, I have learned the secrets to the best foot rubs, knowledge that I could easily keep to myself, but instead will bestow upon the masses – so all the hopeful dads and moms out there can rub those swollen, pregnant feet and not have to undergo the growing pains that we had to. Keep these tips in mind and you should have a pretty smooth transition into pregnanthood.

Never Say No
This may be the most important tip of all, because what you need to understand is that no matter how tired you are, no matter how long your day was – you lived that day without having to carry a human inside you. So when you finish dinner, and you sit down on the couch to relax, and she subtly takes off her socks and slides them into your lap, and looks at you with those anticipating eyes, it is your responsibility to rub those sweaty bastards; which brings me to my second tip.

Her Feet Never Smell
Under no circumstances will you ever tell her that her feet stink. I don’t care if those things smell like liquefied meat, you will not mention it to her; unless you wish to hear the uncontrollable sobs of a hormonal woman in tears because of something you said. Instead, you will cowboy up, hold your breath, and ask for nothing but the other foot when you’re done rubbing the first one.

Let Her Guide You
When her feet are sore, it’s because she’s carrying around all that extra weight she’s not used to, and depending on how she walks, different parts of her feet may need a little extra love than others. Listen to what she says to find the spots that need it the most. If she says the outside hurts the most, rub a little harder there, if she groans a bit when you rub her heel, make sure you don’t forget that spot on the next foot. If you listen to her, she will tell you how to give the best foot rub she’s ever had. Stay as far away as possible from her toes though, for she will give you no warning, no groan, no laugh, she will just kick you in the face because her toes are the most ticklish part of her feet.

Don’t Stop Until You Have To
They say that 90% of running a marathon is in your head; well this is the same with rubbing pregnancy feet. When you finish the first foot, you will likely have to take a break, but by god you better pick up that second foot and finish the job. That woman is counting on you, and so is the baby she’s carrying. The feet are the key to the body’s balance, and therefore need the same level of care and attention you would give your car by getting new tires, because better balance equals a happy wife and a safe baby. Now that you understand, the break is over, finish that second foot and don’t stop until you can’t make a fist.

Toenails Are Sharp
The harsh reality of having a basketball sized belly is that she can no longer reach her toenails, so they are probably getting long and sharp. So while you’re down there, make sure you clip them for her, or better yet, stay true to tip number three by staying away from her toes altogether and send her for a pedicure. This tip is just as much for you as it is for her, because clean feet with trimmed nails don't smell and don't cut you and therefore are substantially easier to rub.

When it comes down to it, you need to rub those feet like it’s your job. Why? Because it is literally the only job you have while she grows you your very own human. So don't shy away from it, take it on like a challenge, like you're about to climb a mountain. But when you do, remember, this isn't a sprint, its a marathon, a test of your endurance, so take the time to perfect your skills - you will thank me later.